Love only lasts three years

I finally moved away from it all. I left it behind, I left them, but most of all I left him behind. I didn't (and still don't) feel any remorse by leaving behind my greatest passion, maybe because I know this is not our final good-bye; in fact I didn't come this far to only come this far, right? And I didn't even feel sorry for a second that I had left behind those people... As a matter of fact, it actually felt like a relieve. Maybe this is exactly the kind of feeling you are supposed to have when leaving a place where you fit, but where you don't belong. 

On the opposite, it felt very painful to give him up. If I were to compare it to something, it would have to be a candle flame going out. The last day I saw him felt like mourning. I took a good look at him, as I knew I will never get another chance. I took a mental picture I wanna carry around with me for as long as possible. I went away without a proper good-bye as my feelings for him were flooding my soul. I had lost him forever then and there. 

He's not perfect and I'm not either, but for the first time in half my life I felt he was a keeper. Yet, I had no clue how to do that. I only pushed him away with my awkward moods. I always felt this strange connection to him and no matter how bad he hurt me in the past, I always wanted the best for him. Yet, I wasn't able to give it to him. Today it's his birthday and that's how we actually got to say the last words we'll ever tell each other... 

For as painful as it turned out to be, I never would have wanted to let go, I never would have wanted this to end. I'm used to making excuses and coming up with explanations, but this time I can hardly find any. So much is lost. I'm not Adele, so my hopes of ever finding someone like him do not exist. 

I don't know if things actually happen for a reason, or they are just random facts. I also don't know if losing some will eventually win you some... As well as I don't know about karma or if I should be thankful for unanswered prayers. All I know that then and there my heart broke in a way it hadn't before. I'm not depressed, I'm just sad. I made my choices and they all led me here. So, yeah, I really can't tell if things ever happen for a reason. 

When you feel like re-opening the chest of memories, just remember this

Things end, but memories last forever...

Today I liked this link on a Facebook wall, but truth is dog days are far from over. For the past two weeks I've been sipping literally buckets of coffee, bitter from all the sadness and stress I've been dealing with. My daymares feed my nightmares and viceversa. I'm so afraid of not finding the inner strength to make plans come true and moreover... some days I miss him so much, I don't know if I'm gonna make it.

***

When people ask you at 18 where do you see yourself at 24, you come up with a shiny bright future plan. But it seems that the work you've put in wasn't enough and you find yourself, at 24, looking in a mirror, much older than you thought you'd be, with less achievements than you would have expected and suddenly you lose the last ray of hope you were keeping and you feel forced to give up. Isn't it awkward to feel that your life is over at 24 years of age and all because you weren't able to make the right decisions for yourself?

What you want is what you get

I'm tired of hiding like I'm (we're) doing something wrong. I don't want to pretend that I don't care and that I find it easy to let (you) go. Even though I'm not in love with you, I care and I find it quite hard to deal with the idea that I'm not going to see you or be able to speak to you again. You don't have the right to refuse me my memories, after you selfishly insisted we created them!

I don't feel comfortable to put up with your stone cold attitude. I don't even care what you want or I'd better say don't want at this time. I decided that for the time that we got left I'm going to be selfish, as selfish as you used to be when I begged you not to. It doesn't even matter if I'll get bruised out of this, I just want to hold you close, feel your warmth, because this is what will keep me grounded for some time after you'll vanish. 

Then we won't have anything to worry about, we'll just go on with our lives as if we never met...

II