You like to think you're strong, that you're in control. You actually believe that. You make choices that seem legitimate. You are blinded by your idea of fairness and correctness. You hurt people without realizing. You do when it's late and you are almost left behind to count the casualties. You are loved and you are wanted. Feels like Heaven all of a sudden. Heaven with a slight window to the Hell you set aside. It's wrong, but it feels right because you believe you're entitled to happiness. You are strong and smart enough to always get want you want no matter the costs. You are weak and need comfort. You feel too strong to admit to your mistakes and unhappiness.
***
Try different they said. You always go on the same path and you always get severely bruised. So I tried different. A path like no other before. So distinct and so familiar. An unknown way that seemed to lead home. An illusion. One thing I learned: coincidences do exist. There are no omens to confirm the path is right for you. The only thing you need to follow in order to get where you're supposed to is your instinct. I felt paranoid before the dead end. I hit a wall, realized I can't change reality and it turns out I wasn't at all paranoid.
***
I was there through all the death that came. I learned selflessness. I wanted to be there more. I found out that deep within me I knew how to transform lust into love and use that to comfort people at the end. If you still have the energy, please don't turn it into hate. Hate is poison. Revenge is useless. Just love throughout and when there's no corner left to place that energy, turn it upon yourself. It's powerful and positive enough to nurture your growth too. Just think about it: if you can love others so much, why not love yourself just the right amount or more?...