Viața ca o amforă

    Am început acest blog în 2007, cu o durere în suflet. Durerea pierderii fulgerătoare și complet neașteptate a cuiva drag. Nu știu dacă e doar o superstiție sau un gând prea puțin dospit, dar poate auspiciile sub care faci primul pas către ceva nou îți influențează apoi întregul parcurs. Indiferent ce m-a influențat să încep blogul sau să continui să scriu aici, postările mele au avut conținut întotdeauna sâmburi ai vulnerabilităților mele, ai tristeților pe care nu aveam curajul să le afișez sau să mi le asum sub propria identitate. Ori poate nu am avut niciodată curajul sau siguranța de sine să mă port pe mine la vedere și am simțit mereu că, pentru a ieși în lume, am nevoie de un minim camuflaj. 

    E greu și e obositor să îți ascunzi adevăratele culori, așa că unii m-au „ghicit” mai devreme sau mai târziu și m-au etichetat: fata aia mereu tristă. Îmi vine să zâmbesc, dar e un zâmbet amar - ce ironie, nu? Prima oară când am auzit despre această etichetă care mi se pusese am fost surprinsă, iar inima mi s-a strâns un pic... cu un gram de tristețe. Mi-am dat seama că nu era nimic neadevărat. Sunt tristă, am fost tristă. M-am gândit apoi la asta, în încercarea de a-mi da seama dacă am fost mereu tristă sau dacă am devenit așa în urma unor evenimente. M-am dus cu gândul departe la cele mai vechi amintiri din copilărie. Am închis ochii și m-am privit. Am văzut o fetiță tristă, aparent nedorită, mereu respinsă sau ținută la distanță, mereu insuficientă pentru cei care și-ar fi dorit s-o primească lângă ei. 

    Îmi vine în minte un monolog în oglindă al fetiței, iar cuvintele pe care și le adresează crezând că le merită și că o definesc sunt înfiorătoare. Aș vrea s-o smulg de acolo, s-o cuprind strâns în brațe - pentru că știu câtă nevoie are - și să-i schimb gândurile. Dar nu pot. O vreme i-am purtat fotografia cu mine și am încercat să îmi amintesc de visurile ei, de așteptările ei, de promisiunile pe care i le-am făcut și să mă țin de cuvânt. 

Love only lasts three years

I finally moved away from it all. I left it behind, I left them, but most of all I left him behind. I didn't (and still don't) feel any remorse by leaving behind my greatest passion, maybe because I know this is not our final good-bye; in fact I didn't come this far to only come this far, right? And I didn't even feel sorry for a second that I had left behind those people... As a matter of fact, it actually felt like a relieve. Maybe this is exactly the kind of feeling you are supposed to have when leaving a place where you fit, but where you don't belong. 

On the opposite, it felt very painful to give him up. If I were to compare it to something, it would have to be a candle flame going out. The last day I saw him felt like mourning. I took a good look at him, as I knew I will never get another chance. I took a mental picture I wanna carry around with me for as long as possible. I went away without a proper good-bye as my feelings for him were flooding my soul. I had lost him forever then and there. 

He's not perfect and I'm not either, but for the first time in half my life I felt he was a keeper. Yet, I had no clue how to do that. I only pushed him away with my awkward moods. I always felt this strange connection to him and no matter how bad he hurt me in the past, I always wanted the best for him. Yet, I wasn't able to give it to him. Today it's his birthday and that's how we actually got to say the last words we'll ever tell each other... 

For as painful as it turned out to be, I never would have wanted to let go, I never would have wanted this to end. I'm used to making excuses and coming up with explanations, but this time I can hardly find any. So much is lost. I'm not Adele, so my hopes of ever finding someone like him do not exist. 

I don't know if things actually happen for a reason, or they are just random facts. I also don't know if losing some will eventually win you some... As well as I don't know about karma or if I should be thankful for unanswered prayers. All I know that then and there my heart broke in a way it hadn't before. I'm not depressed, I'm just sad. I made my choices and they all led me here. So, yeah, I really can't tell if things ever happen for a reason. 

Move along... there's nothing to see here

Day by day I'm growing more disappointed by people, by places I find myself in and by my self for not being able to hold onto my ambitions. Seems like I can't find my place. Day by day so many things change and the way I feel about different situations. It seems easier to take these changes and they bring more joy that changes used to bring through teenage years. It's different now. Armour got stronger, shell got thicker... (OK, I'm not sure I like the way that sounds, but I'm gonna leave it anyway). 

In deed, this new era it's not about speed anymore, it's about information. Loads of energy and time consuming energy. Everything gets so simple, yet so so complicate to deal with it in the same old 24 hours. I'm reconsidering "pointless" and question more about open mindness... Reading became a whole different experience and I seem to have lost track of my old passions. Seems so odd to call them "old" and picturing them inside my head as dusted and hidden in chests...

It's interesting to observe what are the things that bring me joy in these times. Redefining role models, reconsidering purposes, choices, likes and dislikes. Truth is I still don't like a bunch a people (a little more every day). I'm losing patience in front of any thick-skin and I think more people should to. I don't see the purpose in tolerating bullies and bad manners, mostly when you know you would never treat other disrespectfully. 

Anyways, most rewarding these days I find the fact that I know what I want, who I want and I feel less sorry for past losses. Even though there is one thing I will always regret losing... :) But I guess that's just how life goes. It gives you something, then takes it way...leaves you with a scar and for the rest of your time around this place you know what you could have had if you had become a better person sooner.